10 Ways to Make Your Inspector Uncomfortable*

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*based on personal experiences

  1. As your inspector enters the crawlspace, make uncomfortable eye contact with them and whisper “It makes me happy to know you’re down there.” Don’t be surprised if the inspector takes frequent, furtive glances back at the entrance opening to ensure that it is still open.
  2. After being told there is mold growing in your crawlspace, inform the inspector that you have something to tell them. Tell them they better sit down. In a hushed voice, explain how a few days earlier your chiropractor ‘read’ your feet and predicted that mold would be found in your crawlspace. Slowly transition the conversation towards a discussion of mysticism and how it relates to mold. Keep the inspector patiently listening for an extra 45 minutes.
  3.  Keep windows covered with blankets and refuse to turn on any lights. Slowly pull back blankets and posters from wall revealing thick, moist green and black fuzzy forests of mold; turn slowly to the inspector and quietly ask “do we have a problem?”
  4.  Inform inspector that they are inspecting the home of  your angry father. Before entering house, caution inspector to stay outside until you have made sure that the coast is clear. For bonus points, leave him outside with your girlfriend who informs the inspector that she’ll hide behind him ‘in case anything happens’.
  5. Have a crawlspace entrance next to your toilet. Wait until inspection is likely drawing near to the end. As your inspector is about to exit the crawlspace, sit down on the toilet and proceed going about your business. Congratulations, you have effectively trapped your inspector in a prison of discomfort.
  6. Inform your inspector that you were just released from prison and have 46 felonies. Proceed to tell how you beat up 13 policemen after being questioned about the sword and knives you were wearing on your back.
  7. Inform your inspector over the phone that you suffer from extreme paranoia and that you may have trouble letting them through your door.
  8. Sleep through scheduled inspection time. Allow inspector to come in but go back to sleep while inspector continues to inspect the house. Lightly snore while the inspector silently stumbles around in the dark trying to not wake you or your sleeping roommates who are scattered on beds, couches, and chairs throughout the house.
  9. Request that your inspector take sides in a debate that is threatening the marriage between you and your spouse. It’s mold related, but… is it?
  10.  Become visibly intoxicated. Follow closely behind inspector as they examine the house and monologue on how your best friend borrowed your nicest flashlight and never gave it back. Slowly crescendo into a muffled rage as you discourse on how never again will you let someone steal from you. Throughout the inspection suspiciously stare at your inspector and infer that perhaps they stole something from you. Slowly inform them of what would happen if that were to be the case.

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